Tag: insights

if teardrops could be bottled

Posted on by Eri

I had exciting information. My friend sent me old text messages where I said I wouldn’t get into my dream college. Fun fact, I ended up getting in. So I mentioned “I have something interesting to say.” He mumbles sternly under his voice, barely audible: “talk.” I ask, confused, not knowing what he said: “don’t talk?” He raises his voice, which pierces through my body and commandes: “I said TALK. Why don’t you listen?” I give up, saying “never mind,” yet still secretly hoping he would want to listen to what I am excited about. But he replies with a “whatever. I’m going off to ski!” I felt unheard.

I was hungry. “Do you want to go eat?” He responded as if I was crazy: “I’m full. I’m not hungry. I ate too much.” I pleaded back: “but I’m still hungry tonight.” “Go downstairs and get food for yourself. Room number is ##. I’m going to bed.” Is he even family?

Yet even when I do get food, I loose my appetite. I loose the sense to eat, as if every bite is too much to do. It’s work, genuine effort. And my stomach twists every time I breathe in and out.

I also lost the sense to read. Every time I pick up a book to read, I can’t. The words are overwhelming, too much to deal with. And when I gain the strength to try, nothing processes. No idea what just happened.

Then occasionally I laugh. I laugh at a text message from my best friend, and he goes “what.” As if he has to be the only funny person in the household. I can’t enjoy myself other than him.

The taxi driver arrived, and as soon as we entered the car, he declared, yelled even, “TURN THE MUSIC LOWER.” The person was shocked, and I was too. Later on in the day, he brought up how “annoying” the taxi driver was. I said “I think it’s equally both yours and the taxi driver’s fault. You screamed at her, while she could’ve put the music lower from the beginning.” Then he went off. He couldn’t believe I would side with someone else other than him. He said that the taxi driver wasn’t a woman but was a man. Then he said he didn’t scream, but the raised voice even made me go into panic mode. Fight or flight. His presence in that taxi made everyone anxious. Throughout the week, he would consistently mention the taxi incident. How it wasn’t his fault. How many times does he have to mention that? No one cares, it’s over; yet he can’t stop obsessing over it.

While on vacation with him, I woke up one morning and realized that my retainer broke. In the past when I used to see him and my mother 50/50 split, I grinded my teeth at night often due to stress. Yet within these past few years when I started shifting my life over to be with my mom, I haven’t been grinding as much. Yet by just being with him for a week on vacation, my retainer breaks. I start grinding again, and my teeth are sore when I wake up.

People ask, “Why are you so good at school if you have such a troubled family life?” Many of my peers with divorced parents don’t do well because they over-intersect their personal and school lives. Yet I am the opposite. I separate them as much as possible. I work and work until I’m exhausted. Distract my brain from my personal life, distract from what I have to face. I work to relieve pain, not think about something deep that is personal to me.

My father is a scientist. Reads all day, all day every day. Book nerd. Can be positive and negative, but he does this to the extreme to the point where it is no longer a positive. He drowns himself in science journals, cannot get enough. It makes him more logical, less prone to emotion and empathy. He is a straight math problem, doesn’t see colors. Black or white, no grey. When I told him to try to become more “type B” rather than “type A,” he said he can’t switch his personality. Which is true, except one can at least try to improve themselves and realize compromise is necessary in a world that isn’t always logical.

Then there’s the case of Asian people. He mocks Asian people and the way they speak. When we went on vacation, he booked a hotel (two beds) in the city. Yet he got greedy and wanted a better location, so with already finalized payments for the city hotel, he decides to book a studio airbnb in the mountains. The studio only has one bed and a pull out bed-couch, and he tells me since it’s last minute, I can sleep on the bed since he really wanted to relocate. I agreed. Once we got there, he said I should sleep on the floor or couch because I am Asian. He says the Asian women he has met all sleep on the floor for their fathers, and he proceeds to call me chinese- Taiwanese so I can sleep on the floor. He says this three hours before bedtime. What happened to the agreement, and why is my race an excuse for me to be on the floor?

High School: Bad Moment?

Posted on by Eri

Did you “peak” in high school? Should you feel excitement or terror when entering in your past high school? What experience should we be having or what expectations should we put forth for high school?

These questions are often answered in movies. The popular girl peaks, is excited for school everyday, adores everyone, and expects high school to be all-around a fun place. However, being an upcoming junior in high school, I did not feel that way. I am currently on summer break, where today I went back to school to go have a club meeting. Walking through my high school hallways and not used to being in school, I felt social pressure and terror throughout my body. My confidence went down, and I was convinced that I never wanted to return.

I have a small number of friends who are often busy and not many acquaintances. Introverted, I do not like a big social scene, and thus high school lunches are not my forte. Seeing everyone else excited to return to school, my stomach twists. I get disappointed because I do not feel the same way, making me feel left out.

Now some say that high school is just a couple of years and life will get better, but other say it will get worse. Some even explain how life will be the same. I understand that you make your own life and the future relies on your choices. Acknowledging that, however, does not help me realize my future potential.

Knowing that I will forget majority of my class in the future does not help me get through the day. It helped me for a temporary amount of time, but after that, I once again feel hopeless in high school.

Personally, high school is better than middle school. I have closer, more genuine friends that I can trust. Yet I still feel out of place. When will I find my place, and will I ever?

That is a question that I ask myself, questioning when I can answer it.

Overall, the movies do not often show everyone’s high school experience. I do not feel in place, and I question whether my future will get better. The lesson to be learned from this is tough to realize, especially for me. I understand now that even though I feel out of place and do not want to be in high school, I must live my life day by day. I must tell myself to constantly try new activities or do something to enjoy to distract from the “bad moment in time.”

Top College

Posted on by Eri

“My father got into the University of Chicago and my mother got a 99 percentile on her MCAT,” explains a high school student. “How about you?”

Having smart parents, I was willing to share where my parents went to college. They went to competitive state schools, and I was proud of them. Nevertheless, the student looked down on me when I told them this information, making me feel insecure about my own successful parents and my future.

The student proceeds to explain how he is in orchestra, three clubs, and difficult classes; he still feels underachieved. Comparing myself, I am barely in two clubs and I do one sport. The fact that the student claimed that his overachieving and packed schedule is not enough made me reflect on my life and how I have been spending my time.

As the day went on, however, I realized how I was associating the number of clubs/activities to my value of life. Going to Harvard is not going to make someone a better person than another. Although it may show integrity in that person’s work, that does not mean that the Harvard graduate is having a better life.

What is the point of going to a “good” college? Will it guarantee a “better” life? What does “better life” mean?

Everyone has their own definition of what the meaning of life is. Personally, I believe that happiness is the goal in life. People work hard to achieve happiness or go entertain themselves to do so. They either slack in school or work hard to make themselves to feel better. Of course, I am generalizing and this case may not be for everyone, and I am setting aside the necessities for survival (including food, water, and shelter). However, I do believe that people work for happiness and strive for that. As a result, getting the perfect number of clubs to get into Harvard will not guarantee a happy life. Some people come out of Harvard miserable, where one school does not define a person entirely. Some may enjoy life more at a less rigorous school, and others may enjoy Harvard. Bottom line is, don’t overly stress about getting into the top school because it does not measure the amount of happiness one will get in life.

“I Never Got to-I am so Bad”

Posted on by Eri

I have never been selected to be first violin. I always get assigned to be third violin, the VIOLA part. I do not even get to represent my own instrument, I must be a bad player. What is wrong? Why does my director never give me the chance or opportunity to even try to be first?

This situation happened yesterday. We got assigned new parts in our violin group, and yet again, I was third. In my 4 years of being in this group, I have been third violin every year. Every part, every year: third violin. How would it feel if you have been in a group for so long to be in third violin, to not grow and advance?

Ask me. I have thousands of more questions of why I do not get the recognition or opportunity, but I realized something. Just because you are third violin, are below everyone else, are not in that highest rank, you are bad. And no, I am not going to write a dreamy article on the fact that everyone is good at what they do even if they are in the lowest rank at their hobby, because sometimes, they are the worst. There is a difference between being the lowest out of an advanced group and an incompetent group.

Considering my violin group is one of the best in the school and state, I did not look at the big picture: this is an advanced group; I am disappointed in myself for no reason, but I should instead be proud to even be let in the group. The admission and acceptance is what is important. Someone has to be third violin, someone has to be in the lowest to support everyone up high. And you may ask, do I want to be third? Do I want to be low? Do I want that opportunity to be high? Of course. Who doesn’t? As long as you try hard enough at what you do and keep up with the pace of your surroundings, you will excel no matter what position you are because you are working and practicing at that hobby. Even if you are assigned to do a task that requires skills lower than your capability, that constant work ethic will grow. Unlike sitting on your phone and watching Netflix, you doing anything will be beneficial compared to sitting and doing nothing.

If you need that confirmation or feeling that you have accomplished something, travel outside of your city. You will see how you will be “better” than those in another group, city, or town.

Just because you may not be in the highest position for a job or group, that does not mean you yourself are bad. Think about this group and where it stands in society. Be proud of the culture you are in, unless you do not enjoy it, then I suggest you to find a community that you truly enjoy and stick to them.

Bottom line is, do not be pressured and disappointed that you are in the lowest position. The fact that you even got the position and opportunity to get THAT is significant. Someone else out there probably will never get to know what it is like to be in your position or even part of a community. Every role matters and counts, and accept that you were included in any position.

Morning in Milwaukee

Posted on by Eri

Have you ever woken up to a bright morning with great weather, just to find out that you have so much to do?

I often run into this case, and seeing all the innocent children run around having fun makes me want to just go on in and join. Little do we know that life moves on and we can’t always have what we want. However, just because people are aging does not mean we can enjoy life like kids.

Personally, I found a strategy of coping with this type of problem. To wake up and think, “Wow, I have so much to do today, I feel overwhelmed!” makes one feel stressed. Instead, think to yourself: “Ok, what’s the first thing I need to do today?” And do your tasks in chunks. Take small breaks in between like walking around your room or eating some snacks. By the time night falls or your completed all your work, you have the whole next day or night to simply enjoy life. Look out the window, create projects, plant, learn new recipes. Media today, including Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook has caused, especially teens, to be caught up on their phones. Encourage yourself and others to get off because life is not going to last a while. Check Instagram at night or in the morning, and then proceed your day with fun activities and productivity.

Any other tips for coping with a lot of work to get that eventual freedom of play? This is my first post and I hope to continue to write my insights on what I observe stretching to a variety of topics! Thanks for reading:)